mike thompson

i had a dream last night about mike thompson which was really random and he was better looking better than before. i kept my cool which was unexpected. uh i think we were supposed to be at erin's house but im not sure. it was a house and people were getting drunk. i was talking to him and people(girls) kept coming up to him saying random shit i don't remember and wasn't significant enough to. i was getting a tad bit irritated so before i did something i regretted i said "how bout you come over my house after your done here?" he made it seem like he would but i kept an eye out until he left. he was with luke dennison. i sat on the porch and waited and he came out and i ran down to catch up. "you coming over?"-me. he just looked at luke with no expression and then back at me. i basically talked to him with luke there as we stood against a fence. i had the assumption that he had a girlfriend but he said "are you gonna do something?" i was thinking i'd love to but if you have a girlfriend. . . the only thing i was gonna do was kiss him. luke disappeared and we actually carried on a conversation. not sure what about. to be honest i don't remember anything else after that. i know he had feelings for me and i felt like it was reverse of what it was in real life. he wanted so badly to be with me and i just wanted to be friends. i don't remember anyone i recognized being there except for mike and luke. but it was a good dream, i finally made a friend.

oh? happy 4th of july..

not doing anything today. my sisters are both going to pittsburgh to see fireworks. and neither of them are coming back tonight. they've been gone almost all day so there was no point in getting up today i guess. i should've slept until 2. thanks for inviting me to pittsburgh to see fireworks. whats the harm in taking me. natalie is off to get drunk at sam's w/ b, jon, randy, some other people.. nicole is either doing the same or checking out pittsburgh after the fireworks. i seriously have no friends. shane said he was gonna meet me half way today from where he lives but he probably didn't realize the date yesterday. fuck that. im sick of people bailing on me. how bout just dont lie to me in the first place. i know that you dont wanna be with me. i didn't take my pill today just incase theres a slight chance that nat might invite me down to sam's. in a way id rather be alone. then i can obsess over things and not be made fun of. i really wanna go to kentucky or something like now not in august. its the flippin fourth of july i have to wait like another month. im still sorta sick. more like theres mucus in my throat that i can't get out. woopy! i wanna take a nap and never wake upp. whats my life for anyway? im obviously a disappointment and i screw over everyone i associate with and God should just not run after me anymore i've screwed up so many times that theres NO WAY im getting into heaven. I wish i knew if i was going there or not. i don't like surprises.

i'm offically obsessed with bradley cooper

i had a dream about him last night... and dan mauro. i found out that dan mauro looks like bradley cooper. everytime i got a picture with brad i looked at it and it was dan mauro instead and i kept asking for more pictures w/ him. shit nuggets. i just compared their pictures and they do look alike. ugh. the moles, haircut, eye color, and skin tone are different but theres some similarities too. the smile, nose, eyebrows, eye shape, jaw line. dang. dan mauro and mike thompson... hot. i didn't want to like dan mauro but jeez its hard when he looks like bradley cooper. k so imma tell ya about my dream.

so me and christina and.. uh i think my cousins and sisters were at conneaut or something that looked like it. where the umbrellas and the airplane thing was where this ride was. it was weird it was like a combination of the joker from batman. it was jack nickelson. he was the joker. and pirates and mud. they had a lot of people from the crowd volunteering. bradley cooper was a pirate w/ a wig and the boots and everything. there was mud that was supposed to be a river or ocean of some sort and he was on a life boat. some one from the crowd took an oar and somehow steered it not even having to be in the boat. where jack nickelson came in idk. but there was some blow up thing that was waaaaaaay up in the air. and there were horses below it and on it. you got on a horse or something that looked like the tilt-a-whirl. i guess they were filming a movie and people had to pretend like they were professional actors/actresses. um i was on a horse one second, then i was asked to go in the tilt-a-whirl and then suddenly i was rowing bradley's coopers boat. i started rowing faster because the mud waves got bigger and faster and i rowed harder and then eventually the boat flipped over and he landed on me. i told christina to take a picture but she was too slow. then i asked her to take a picture again and i asked for his permission and he didn't say anything just posed. before i knew it he was gone. then we were at a place that looked like the highschool tennis court/ football field and bradley cooper was tearing down the stuff and almost everyone was gone but me and a couple people helping him. i went down and they asked me to help. so i did. and before i could ask for a picture w/ him we were in a museum of some sort and jen aniston was there w/ brad but not like walking w/ him. so i went up to him and asked can i have a picture. i went on the ground on my stomach. then he jumped on top of me. i was like this is the perfect moment. so christinas photo taking skills weren't working and brad kept moving. and then we ended up in a stadium. and he was a row behind me. this is when the pictures w/ him started apearing like dan mauro when i looked at them. then i took videos and it looked like they were both there. sooooo my dream kept hopping around and i probably missed the part where brad was in a limo w/ jen for like a minute. my dream was awesome and frustrating at the same time. gaaaaaaaaaaaaah

alias. natalies watching it and i just heard the part where bradley cooper's like "whose vaughn?"

hotness even when hes all bruised and beaten up

woops.. there they aren't

my friends. i don't what im doing wrong. maybe i scare them away or something. it just upsets me. why am i always alone?

soo

i was myspace stalking my old crush, steve buvalla. which he is still hot by the way. the thing is... REAL JERKASS. well anyway i was just thinking about how bad he made me feel. not just him but most of the guys i crush on.. k mostly all guys make me feel in general. also girls.. but this blog is not gonna be about girls. then my phone buzzed. only 2 people usually text me. my sister or christina so i was guessing it was one of them and i picked it up and saw that it was EDDIE! i haven't talked to him since like i dunno summer(s) ago?speaking of weird texts... lianna thies texted me today and i am usually the one to text her and i haven't talked to her in a month maybe.. can guys friggin leave the picture right now? i sorta just need some space. no hot guys are allowed in my life. no nice ones either. i always fall for every guy that talks to me and that needs to stop NOW! i thought "oh hey i can be friends with a hot guy and not have feelings.. and even with a less attractive but could be hot guy.." BUT NO! not happening. i miss jeff and eddie. those are two of the three guys that i actually got to know pretty well and they talked to me in pretty deep convo. but of course i liked them because they actually had good personalities. man. i could fall for some dumbfuck who beats me up and be like "well hes good looking and nice when other people are around so. . . maybe i should stay." i need to grow some balls

i don't know how to explain how i'm feeling

i feel regret but i'm not sure why because i don't believe i was the one to do anything wrong. i feel sad but why? i didn't experience anything to be sad about.

i just found a couple photos of nicole crying on photobooth. why she kept them there idk. she knows that i use her computer and take pics on her photobooth. i leave the photos there. i wish i knew why she was crying. in a selfish way, i hope she was crying because she realizes how much shes distanced herself from me in the past few weeks. theres not much more i can do to show her that i want to spend time with her. i told her straight out and many other ways. its up to her now to decide if the grownups are more interesting people to be with for right now or realize that i'll be here for her whole life. she might as well should make some memories. you never know when you'll pass. i sorta think i know why she was crying. she misses the people at US foods. sometimes i wonder why she cries about things like that. then i realize that i cry over stupid stuff too. like the fact that grandpa is stupid and he gave us a pshit tv and... im done talking about it now.

i know lately i have been having a lot of friend problems.. uh my whole life. so i think i'm looking too much toward my sisters to satisfy my friend situation.

oh dear. i need some time to think.

fury of christina

I'm about to explode on christina. She is really pushing my buttons. She blames for for almost everything. Some stuff I have nothing to do with. If she was old enough to drive and got in a car crash I bet she would blame it on me if she was angry with for me something... I would be writing this whole entry down but she HAS to look through everything in my room.. even if I hide stuff she finds it. I have politely asked her to not read something then she gave me attitude as if I did something wrong... like going through someones stuff without their permission or something.... DAMN YOU. Also if she doesn't get her way she'll give you the silent treatment and make you feel bad. For example, last week she came over then she assumed my sister would buy her alcohol. 1. She didn't have the money for this 2. She doesn't know my sister well enough to assume shit like that. So she asked if I have money and I told her I don't have any on me but I have some in savings because I'm saving up for concerts and the iPod. She begs me and keeps asking my sister.. Neither of us had any money to just waste on stupid rinky dinky wine or w/ev the hell she wanted. She said she would pay me back but she never does and shes very irresponsible so i was like "no." more like "HEEEELLLLLLLLL NOO!" in my head. she gave me the silent treatment blah blah blah tried to make me feel bad for something stupid blah blah blah. GET OUTTA MY HOUSE BITCH. Another thing is last week she tried blaming me for her summer not being fun. Shes like "i've been asking you to do stuff all summer and you say your busy." I am busy. sometimes i might not be but would you like me to tell you flat out i don't want to be with you and your annoying? oh and a couple days ago she was like "i wanna come to youth on thursday." then i said "sure. as long as you get a ride both ways." she said "yaa." today she texts me and says "what times youth?" i didn't answer because i left my phone in the van.. the next message said "why do i have a feeling you don't want me to go?" i texted her back saying "i left my phone in the car. youth starts at 6" she followed "oh. can you give me a ride there and then my mom pick me up?" i was about ready to flip cause she already told me she had a ride both ways. not to mention her house is WAYYYYYYYYYYY out of the way. we'd have to drive the opposite direction of the church and then go back that way. HELL NO. i have plans tonight anyway. i'm gonna clean my neighbors house for money and she wants to meet me when youth usually starts. i told her this "i'm not going." "whyyy?" "i have to be somewhere at 7." "ohhhhh" then she continues to send the same message a thousand times if i don't reply. how the hell am i supposed to reply to ohhhhh.? so i'm laaa deee daahh and go on the computer. her status earlier was like "going to youth later" and now it says "I GUESS NOT!"<< comments like this make me want to beat the shit out of her. is it my responsibility to give you a ride everywhere when you specifically said that you had a ride to and from youth?? your house is wayyy out of the way.. so SUCK IT! she texts me nonstop and if i don't reply she just keeps sending it. i might just turn my phone off or tell her i got my number changed. . . so she texts no one and bothers no one! that sounds peachy. see im not this big of a bitch. i probably wonn't do anything about it and not let her get to me in person but i will be angry inside. this is just to steam off. im sick of games and shit. done. bye